Wednesday, May 25, 2011

My World

You all know my world is....different. I live in my own strange creation. If I could only convey the stories that go on in my head for y'all, but alas there are not always words to describe what I think about.

The following is a dramatization and not any one actual event.

Occasionally Boi comes home to something like this:


Especially this week since my family moved out. Poor Boi.

And then I try to suck him into my world.


It all goes a bit blurry at first....


And then I pull Boi in through a vortex of crazy delusional words and gestures.

Suddenly, he finds himself in a beautiful place. A place full of lovely rainbows, sunshine, random mythical creatures, butterflies, and other happy things.


This is a place of bliss. Where there are fairies and elves and mermaids. There's singing and dancing and laughter.

But then....


Suddenly...


Before he can do anything...


Boi finds himself being dragged....


To the other side of my imaginary world.


My evil side. Which isn't really that scary (again this is a dramatization). Well, maybe y'all would think of it as terrifying beyond all reason. But I keep it all in. I'm not a serial killer. Really.

This is the place no one seems to understand me. The place where I think (key word THINK) how nifty it would be to cut open someones *coughRandycough* veins just to watch them bleed for a bit. Oh don't worry; in my fantasy I also can suture him back up. Or at the very least super glue it closed. I really don't understand why this disturbed someone *coughRandycough* so much. It's not like I'd really do it.

Poor Boi.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Welcome to my Cul-de-sac

This post is dedicated to Tribal Elder Randy.

This is me on my tricycle.



I ride it around in the mental cul-de-sac that my friends keep me in.



They put me there every time I say or do something confusing/illogical/dumb. I stay there A LOT.

A couple of things I did today (already) qualify to put me in the cul-de-sac.

Thing #1:

I despise clothes. They are possibly my arch nemesis (right after spiders). So the past few months with mom living here have forced me to be tactfully clothed all the time. Not my forte.
So yesterday was our first full day without people living with us. Of course I spent the day in my birthday suit. It would have been awesome, except that I've been keeping the house colder for my clothed status. So last night I decided to make the house warmer. In my sleep deprived state, I pushed the temperature gage down.
I woke up this morning freezing.
WIN FOR THE CUL-DE-SAC.

Thing #2:

This weekend a few mosquitoes decided to make camp in my house. Remember how much they love me? If not, please see my post Playing outside is hazardous to my health.
There were 3 mosquitoes killed (there could be more hanging around that I've missed), and I have 11+ bites. I've been scratching them like a woman possessed (I know, I know, don't do that).
This morning I got the bright idea to put Lidocaine Ointment (numbing agent) on the bites when I got out of the shower (the heat had aggravated me to a scratching frenzy). Couple of pictures of just my right foot bites:






















My brilliant move came right after I applied the ointment. I started eating my breakfast without washing my hands. Next thing I know Numb Tongue.

WIN 2 FOR THE CUL-DE-SAC.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Toilet Paper

So my mom signed a lease yesterday. YAY :)

I went over to her place yesterday evening to check the place out and take some stuff over there.  While I was helping her unload the car, I came across some toilet paper she had bought.

Pause. We have to back up a little bit here. Growing up, my mom bought the cheapest, thinnest, most worthless toilet paper ever. I hated it. It took 1/3 of the roll just to get it thick enough to....you get the picture.

Edited for bad language.

I resolved that one day, when I was a grown up with money, I would always buy the best toilet paper. No matter how bad things go monetary wise for me, I was (and am) determined to stick to my guns on my toilet paper preference (so far so good).

My favorite toilet paper is Charmin Ultra Soft. I will not use anything else.



Fast forward a little bit to when mom moved in with Boi and I this year. Our home has two full bathrooms. I keep both reasonably stocked with TP. I told mom that I realized more TP was going to go through her bathroom (it's in the best location) so to please just let me know when the toilet paper was running low.

No such luck. I love my mom. I really do. But I sat down one day, and I'm not kidding you, there was a roll of that crap TP I grew up with on my TP-dispenser-rolly-thing. I sat there with my eye twitching until I recovered enough to try to search (from my stranded position) in vain for more of my TP under the sink. No such luck. I had to use her *shudder* roll.

I sat mom down and had a very serious conversation with her. I explained how important my toilet paper is to me (reading this I sound like a complete crazy person). There were no more TP incidents after that.

Fast forward again, this time back to where this post started.

I looked at the TP.

I looked at my mom.

...

And (very seriously) told my mom that I will let her take a few rolls of my good TP so she can titrate herself back to the crap stuff she used to be on. I explained that her regimen was to be as follows:

First week: Alternate each TP brand with each bathroom visit with (keeping both rolls readily available close by).

Second week: Alternate each TP brand as the rolls are finished.

Third week: Only use Charmin every 3rd roll.

Four week and beyond: Use crap TP.
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shelookslikeahaddock blog by Beth Evans is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 United States License.