Pawpaw Memories 1

I’ve really been thinking about my grandfather today. He passed away May 23, 2010. Pawpaw just keeps popping up in the most random ways.

I have been just sitting here reading things on the internet. I have the windows open and the wind chimes are swaying in a soft breeze. It’s very early in the morning (7:22am to be exact), and I hear a horrible screeching bird. Not the pretty chirping of normal birds but a strangled chattering and suddenly I think of Pawpaw. I know that sounds weird so, please, let me explain.

Towards the end of Pawpaw’s life I got the bright idea to have him move in with Boi and I. I know that sounds horrible but think about it. I mean really. You’ve read my blog. I can hardly take care of me let alone a dying man who needs 24 hour care. Anyway I digress.

After a while, my mom came to help out with Pawpaw. Very long story short, we decided to move him to Washington (state) to live with my parents. So we booked a flight and got him packed up and ready to go.

As you are discovering through my writings, everything is an adventure to me. So we (Pawpaw, mom, baby Gabe, and me) got to the airport and got out of the car. While I went and found a wheelchair for Pawpaw, my mother found a baby bird in the parking garage. Bingo. Insta-pet for Beth! So I carefully picked the baby bird up (what the heck was it doing in a concrete parking garage anyway!?) and placed it in my passenger seat. That bird was making the same strangled chattering that the bird this morning was making.

I helped mom get situated on the plane with Pawpaw (this was the last time I saw him) and the baby and headed back to my car. I excitedly ran to the passenger door and opened it. Instead of the small bundle of happiness I expected to find, all I found was an empty seat with 3 bird poopy spots on it; wonderful. I quickly searched the car as I only had enough money for about 5 more minutes in the parking garage. In the dim light, my search was in vain. Oh well, I thought, I’ll find him when I get home.

Just outside the airport I heard that horrible chattering coming from my backseat. Sweet! I pulled over and found the baby bird under my back seat. Success! I made a little bed for the birdie from random items in my car (I have EVERYTHING in my car; mainly because I never clean it).

On my way home, Boi called, and we decided to meet up for dinner and a movie. Boi was worried about leaving the birdie in the car all that time, but I explained that my car couldn’t possibly be worse than a concrete parking deck (I forgot to tell y’all that this bird was I clearly sick and couldn’t fly). He realized that there was no talking me out of it, and we went ahead with our plans.

The bird was still alive when we came out and still screeching away. When I got home, I put it in a box with a blanket and put it in the bathroom with my bathroom heater on to keep it warm. I grabbed a dropper and some Ensure (surely if it has all the vitamins and nutrients an old person needs, it’ll have what the bird needed right?) and sat down with my new friend.

I carefully opened its beak and let a drop Ensure drip in his mouth. He began to suck…kind of. Then it started to make a weird strangled sound…and died. After examining him closer, his entire throat had been cut open so his esophagus was showing. Kind of gross and you would have thought that I would have noticed that little detail earlier but I'd been kind of busy that day, you know?

Even though it was really late at night, I made Boi go out and dig a hole in the yard. We buried the baby bird, and I said a few words over the grave. Mainly things like, “How dare you die on me?” and “You sucked as a pet.”

What fond memories my Pawpaw evokes…

Facebook Friends

I've never posted twice in one day, but I thought you guys might get a kick out of this. I truly have the most awesome Facebook friends on Earth. Also, it seemed funnier to me to do screenshots of the chat rather than just copying and pasting the text. I don't know why. It could be because it's after 5:30am, and I'm still up. Anyway, here is the promised chat:

So to all of you that are my friends on Facebook just know that this could one day be you.

The Tribe: Introduction

I have been desperately working on a post introducing you to "The Tribe". It's a group of people that are extremely important to me and very near and dear to my heart. Plus a lot of my adventures and stories include The Tribe and it will just be easier for you to understand in the future who I'm talking about when I refer to them just as "The Tribe".

The Tribe is the name that we came up with for ourselves many years ago. I've tried to nail down the exact date we started calling ourselves that but can't quite figure it out. I know that we were in college so I'm just gonna say it was around 2003...ish. I would like to start introducing you to The Tribal Elders today (the original Tribe members). There are 5 of us.

I will start off with the easiest Elder to explain: me! *drum roll* Introducing, Tribal Elder Beth:

As the picture indicates, I'm most notorious for taking off my clothes. I'm not exactly sure what they says about me but there it is. My favorite color is aquamarine. I'm very into butterflies and Hello Kitty; in fact, I have one tattoo of each. I'm usually the member quickest to inebriation (in other words I'm the cheap drunk).

The picture to the right is of me on our second annual Tribe Beach Trip (2010).  We take this trip every year to Myrtle Beach, SC the week of my birthday. I love it because I get to spend my birthday each year with my favorite people at my favorite place.





The next Tribe Elder I would like to introduce you to is Mike (aka Boi).

He is the funniest person in The Tribe. He has a knack for making people laugh. His favorite color is red. Mike loves music, drawing, and video games.
Boi is also the schemer of our group. He comes up with a lot of our wilder crazy plans.

 I've included this recent picture of Boi wearing his newest Life is Good wear (http://www.lifeisgood.com/).  Please note that the picture on the shirt is my hat tip to the boys' [of The Tribe] latest song obsession "I'm on a Boat" by The Lonely Island feat. T-Pain.

Next Tribe Elder: James.

James is our inventor. He's most likely to build some contraption. When The Tribe first started, he was chief engineer of The Bar. That's right y'all, we made our own bar. It still lives with James to this day. His favorite color is Blue. James has a tattoo of a drawing Mike made of his initials (JC). James is our 'frisky' drunk.

James is our intellectual. If you are up for a good debate or just need someone to talk to, James is your man.
He's also the tallest member of The Tribe. I know that's a weird thing to include but to shortest Tribe member me, that's something that stands out.

In writing this I've discovered how hard it really is to boil down my friends into just a few words. They really mean the world to me. There are two more Tribe Elders I haven't introduced you to yet. They will be featured in the next post. I'd try to finish it all tonight but words are blurring together and these pictures have been a bee-atch to upload.

Play List (entire cds today) :
Sara Bareilles - Kaleidoscope Heart
Katy Perry - Teenage Dream
Miranda Lambert - Revolution

Cooking cake and Fable III

I spent the weekend not feeling very well and in bed. While I slept, my wonderful Boi fixed my drawing program! YAY :D

Last night, I decided I wanted cake.  I didn't have a cake mix, icing, or milk. But I wanted cake. Period. So I enlisted Boi's help and went to work. I suppose I have a 'baking bug' lately.

In raiding the kitchen for supplies, I found a new love: dry milk. What a wondrous discovery! The Boi and I don't drink very much milk. We, more often than not, have only expired milk in the house because it went bad before we could drink it. My mother lived with us for a while 2 years ago and had bought a box of dry milk; which was the one I discovered last night. What a wonderful invention!

I also found that I had a couple of boxes of powered sugar (yum). I made my own quirky tweeks to the recipe for cake and icing that was on the box and Boi and I proceeded with caution.

Everything went fantastic. I accidentally got icing on the front of my mixer and, being me, decided to lick it off. Boi had been working elsewhere and picked this moment to turn back to me. So, while I was lapping away at the front  of my mixer, I looked at him sideways:

He gave me that 'You are REALLY weird' look that he gets sometimes. Let me take this moment to point out that I made my tongue extra long in that picture for exaggeration purposes. My tongue is not really that freakishly long.

Anyhew, the cake turned out fantastic. Very nommy nommy. Have I mentioned how excited I am that my drawing program is fixed!?

So I had pre-ordered a game from Best Buy for Boi for his birthday (which was last Wednesday). He knew his gift would be a little late but was okay with it because he was so excited for Fable III, which came out today. When I pre-ordered the game, the cashier told me, at least 5 times, "You must have your receipt when you come back to pick up the game." I had put the receipt in the pre-order box and put it in my passenger seat so I'd be sure not to lose it and to have it when I went back.

Boi was so excited and part of the pre-order deal was that he could make a character ahead of time that would show up in his game. He took the box out of my car to get the code to make his character. Yes, we all see where this is going now,right?

Today I hopped in my car, turned on some tunage, and headed towards Best Buy. I got behind almost every possible slow vehicle on the road today. No joke the list includes, but not limited to: school bus X3, a tractor, a slow moving old person, dump truck, a truck pulling a boat, and a mail carrier. But I was happy because I was on my way to making Boi happy. My windows were down and all was well. I pulled into Best Buy (it had taken me 50 minutes to get there) and reached for the box... ... ...

I called Boi and confirmed my fear; he had indeed removed the box from my car. Lovely. Normally, after I got there with no receipt, I would have just said forget it and I'll try again tomorrow. But Boi had worked extra hard on his school work so he'd be able to play tonight...so I drove home, got the receipt, and back to Best Buy. All in all, it only took me just over 2 & 1/2 hours to buy Boi his game today. I am amazing.

Burning Crayons

Cooking...ahhhhh...so not my strong point. Tonight I decided to make sugar cookies. From scratch. That's right ladies and gentlemen. I decided to cook for real.

I found a tasty sounding recipe online and went to work. I decided I was gonna be a regular Paula Deen (sounded good in my head). I started gathering the ingredients. My eggs say that they expired on Sept 24. So asked Boi if he thought they would still be good. He said absolutely not and that I should go buy more. Well, if I wanted to go out to buy something it would have been cookie dough. So I took a Paula Deen suggestion and cracked each egg open over individual bowls. Then I made Boi sniff them. Both didn't smell rotten so on I went.

I got out my Kitchen Aid (which I got for a wedding present and have never had an occasion to use it for [we've been married over 4 years]), that's how serious I was.
I creamed the butter and sugar together and carefully added the eggs and vanilla. This is going great I thought. Next in went the baking powder, salt, and flour.

As this point I looked across the room at Boi and declared that I'm going to start a web show. It's going to be about learning to cook with an adult that is learning to cook. Genius!

I read the next instructions and BOOM!! My bubble was burst. I'm supposed to let the mixture chill overnight in the fridge before cooking. Oh hell no.

So I pulled out my sheet pan (the oven was already preheated). I have another item in my kitchen that I've never used before that I decided to use: wax paper. I don't know what it's for or how I'm supposed to use it. I decided to line my sheet pan with it. So I scooped out measures of cookie dough (with an ice cream scoop like Alton Brown!) on the wax paper on my sheet pan. Boi decided to inform me that wax paper can't go in the oven. I carefully read over everything on the wax paper box...which didn't say anything at all about going in the oven. Phooey on Boi. He doesn't cook either. So I left the wax paper on the cookie sheet. I also put some Sweet Cinnamon Sprinkle topping (from Pampered Chef) on the top of half the cookies.

I popped them in the oven and set the timer. I cleaned up the mess I made leaving 30 seconds left of cooking time. Perfect! I'm a master at this. The timer beeped and I peeped in on the cookies. They didn't look done. So I pop a few more minutes on the clock and continue to wait patiently.
Waiting...waiting...

Me:  Boi, what do you smell?

Boi:  Umm....Christmas...and burning crayons.

So I quickly went and checked on my cookies which looked done. I pulled them out of the oven and slid the wax paper from the cookie sheet onto a cooling rack. It left a trail of stuff on the cookie sheet...

Me:  Boi...should the wax paper have left weird slightly black stuff on the cookie sheet?

Boi:  Yeah; if the wax melted leaving the paper naked and burning...

I'm pretty sure it had started to melt. But the cookies also came out looking kind of like biscuits. They taste...different. Now if I can just get Boi to try one...

Follow up:

My friend Cindy volunteered to eat my cookies :D I'll let you know if she gets sick/dead.



Procrastination

Procrastination is my topic for today. I'm extremely good at it. I know that a lot of people say that, but I truly am. It's what I do. Most of the time I try not to think about it because, let's face it, it's really embarrassing to be so good at it. But I can't help it. That's my story, and I'm stickin to it!

A good example would be my water bill. It's due the same time every month. There is a late fee tacked on after the due date eeeevery month. And they faithfully turn off unpaid water the same time every month.

Let me tell you a little bit about having my water through the city of York SC. My bill is due the 14th of each month. After that date, there is a $6.00 late fee. If not paid by 5pm ET on the 20th of each month, it will be turned off (religiously) first thing on the 21st. Oh, and now they tack on another $25 to my bill (probably for the inconvenience of having to turn my water off and on).
Unfortunately, York is also behind in the times. You can't pay your bill online. You can't pay it over the phone. The only ways to make your payment are by mail or in the office. Payments must also be cash, check, or money order.

Enter my uncanny ability to procrastinate, and BAM, you have the perfect storm. We moved into this house in June 2007. I think I have paid that bill before the due date...I don't know...maybe twice? The water's been turned off at least 3 times that I can think of off the top of my head. And for absolutely no good reason. I'm just a fantastic procrastinator.

Before my mom moved to Washington, she would clean my house (Don't judge me! She was paid!) roughly every two weeks. One day, she called me up at work, and we had a conversation that went roughly as follows:

Me:  Hello?

Mom:  (sounding really concerned) Hey...have you paid your water bill this month?

Me:  (giggling) Is the water not running?

Mom:  Um...well...it was. Up until a few minutes ago.

Me:  (laughing uncontrollably) I'm really sorry! And no, I haven't paid the water bill this month. Will you do me a HUGE favor? *giggle* Will you write out a check, yes you can forge my signature, and take it by the City of York for me?

Mom: Uh...sure.

I'm not even going to pretend to know what my mom thought. She raise me and knows how strange I am. I'm so grateful that she loves me for who I am, strangeness and all.
The point of my story is...well, I don't know really. I guess I just wanted to give you a small demonstration of how very good at procrastinating I am. I could save a lot of money and time (mine and the city of York's) if I just paid this bill when it should be paid. I don't have a good reason for not paying. The money's always there. I have stamps. I have gas in my car.

Today is Boi's birthday. Yesterday I asked him what he wanted for his birthday dinner. He told me that he wants hamburger stew (which I've never made before) with rolls. I could have sworn I've written about these rolls before, but in glancing quickly through previous posts, I don't see it. So, if I've already told y'all this, sorry.

For our anniversary this year I decided to cook a really nice dinner; which for me, means something that didn't come from a box or the freezer. I went to the store and grabbed all the things I wanted to cook which included rolls I grabbed from the freezer section. Before that, the only biscuits or rolls I had made came from the refrigerated sections (you know, the kind you get to bang stubborn ones on the counter to get them to open?). I came home with about two hours of cook time...only to read the instructions on the yeast rolls and find out they need 4-5 hours of prep time. I used the speed prep method which only took 1 & 1/2 hours. Really? That's speedy? But whatever. The rolls have been my arch nemesis ever since. The only reason I continue to make them is that they are REALLY tasty.

The reason I told y'all that is because I procrastinated so long today, I'm having to use the speed bake method again today. 

Anyways, I am off to try to make this hamburger stew for Boi. Hopefully, it will turn out edible...we shall see. If it doesn't, at least I can regale you guys with the story later.

PS ~ Sorry I haven't been drawing as many pictures...I'm still having trouble with my drawing program...but Boi is working on the problem so, hopefully, I can be back drawing toddler-like pictures for y'all again soon :D

Camping with my family

I've been thinking about going camping. Every time I think about camping, it brings one particular camping trip to the forefront of my mind...

A few years ago, I had the bright idea to drag Boi and myself along camping with my parents and brother. They were headed up to Springmaid Mountain (in NC) for a weekend getaway. Sounded like a fantastic idea at the time. Looking back, not so much.
The trip had a great, early start. Mike and I followed my parent's jeep in our own car. I'm a fast learner; always have your car with you in case you need a getaway car. We wound our way to the mountain over a few hours, having to stop occasionally so that dad could add oil to his steadily leaking jeep. Going up hills took forever because the jeep slowed to a crawl. Thankfully, it made it to the campsite.

It had been rainy in the camping area with big muddle puddles all over the place. We quickly set up the tent and chairs and got a fire going. Dad made a weird awning that we could sit under to keep us dry from the random rain that kept popping up.

All this so far is fairly normal and fun (even the oil drinking jeep). But now, this is where the real party started. We spent the rest of that afternoon close to the campsite, simply enjoying each others' company. Darkness fell, and we all got in the tent to settle down for the night.
I've drawn you a diagram to try to describe how cramped this tent was, but it really doesn't do any justice to how little room the people on the air mattress had.

Yes, we had an electric heater in the middle of the tent. My dad and his cot took up almost half of the 6-man tent alone. The cot my brother slept on actually had part of it underneath dad's cot. This left roughly 1/4 of a 6-man tent for 3 people on 1 twin size air mattress. Mom got the worst deal of the night as she got to sleep the farthest away from the heater. It was one of those bitter cold nights where you can't feel your extremities.

Even still, the trip so far wasn't too bad. We had scavenged around and found plenty of wood for our fire (like it would ever go out with me there anyway!). All was well.

Day two was full of fun. At least I'm pretty sure it was. I don't actually remember much about the actual day. Late in the afternoon, we decided to take showers in the shower house. That was FULL of spiders. I made my mom take a shower in one with me so we could watch each other's body to make sure no spiders got on them. The water was freezing cold and I will never forget that deathcave of spiders.

Still, not a bad trip...til dad decided to make us dinner. My dad is usually a fantastic cook. But by lantern light, in the freezing cold night, he apparently couldn't see to make sure his cast iron skillet fried chicken was cooked thoroughly. This is where the trip started to go downhill. I took two bites of chicken and didn't think it tasted done, so I covertly tossed mine in nearby bushes. Unfortunately for them, dad and Boi ates lots of chicken.

Soon we were again ready to settle in for the night. Sleeping arrangements changed slightly to be like:

I don't remember the order of the following 3 events, but it doesn't really matter. I'm going to tell it as I remember it.
Sometime late in the night, I woke to hear my dad urgently whispering to my mom, "Help HELP! Please help me get my shoes. I can't move...oh faster FASTER! Can you put them on me? I'm afraid if I try, I'll unclench and crap on myself." I swear you could hear his stomach. Bless my mother. She put on his shoes and unzipped the tent for him so he could dash to the bathrooms. A while later, he came back looking much better and back to sleep I went.

I came awake some while later with my brother's face right up on mine. He was whispering, "Can't breathe. Can't breathe. Can't breathe." rapidly over and over and over. Then he started chanting it faster and faster and louder and louder, "CAN'T BREATHE! CAN'T BREATHE!!!" He was completely asleep having (I guess) a claustrophobic nightmare. I finally lost my patience and yelled, "I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU NOT ABLE TO BREATHE!!!!!!!!! SHUT. UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" His eyes opened, and he looked at me like I'd lost my mind. Again, though, things settled down and I fell back asleep.

Boi woke me up a while after and quietly asked if I would go with him to the bathroom because he was going to be sick. I said sure and we both put on shoes and stepped out of the tent. Oh. My. God. It had to be negative twenty degrees Fahrenheit outside. I followed him about 15 shivering paces before he started puking. Then I backed up 5 and turned back, facing the tent. I put my fingers in my ears and hummed to myself. I can't hear someone being sick or I will too. Boi kept asking me if I was there, and I would assure him that I was, "Right beside you." Yes, I'm a horrible person. I also started breathing through my mouth so I wouldn't smell it. Yuck.

We walked back to the tent and shivered our way back to slumber. Yet again, Boi woke me up, pleading for me to go with him while he was sick. He threw on his shoes and went out of the tent a few paces to be sick. Still under the blankets, I unzipped the tent enough to put only my head out and then zipped my head in the door so only my face was freezing off. I assured Boi I was right there with him the whole time.

After this episode, I crashed. Completely. I know there was at least one more opening of the tent (because of the next part of my story) but don't know when it happened.

I awoke the next morning to my dad's laughter. At some point during the night, he hadn't been able to make it all the way to the bathroom so he doodied in the nearby woods. A girl was walking with her dogs who decided to investigate the stinky pile. Dad happened to be watching from our campsite and was now laughing at the poor girl's facial expression when she discovered what the dogs were sniffing.

Boi headed to the bathroom and came back with a funny expression on his face. He walked up to my dad and asked him, "How did you get it on the walls!?" My dad's laughter rand loud and clear through the crisp morning air. Boi came to me with a look of disbelief and explained that my dad went to the bathroom everywhere. He said it was even on the ceiling. Dad never did really explain.
Later that morning, we packed up our stuff and headed home. I haven't been camping with my family since.

Near Death Shower Experience

Again. Here I go lapsing. I'm trying. I really am. I'm spending a lot of time trying to perfect one particular post. In doing so, I have forgotten to post anything...okay that's a total lie. I didn't forget. I've just spent so much time on this future post (about The Tribe - for those of you who know me...those who don't, well, that's why I'm writing a post about it. I promise you'll see and understand soon) that by the time I'm done each day, I don't want to write anymore. I'm a loser. And I suck. Sorry. I'll do better. Probably. Maybe. Not likely.

Today I want to tell you all about how I almost died in the shower last weekend (10/8/10).  I was in a wedding last weekend and stayed in someone else's home.  I got all of my things ready and headed to the bathroom.
The shower was easy to turn on which made me really happy. I hate when I go places and feel stupid because I can't figure out how to turn on the shower...or how to make the water a good tempature. I end up with either 3rd degree burns and boil-like blisters or have things fall off from hypothermia. I digress; back to my near death experience.

So here I was, happily puttering away when disaster struck. I turned sideways in the shower, facing the wall and opened my eyes. There, two inches from my face, was a Pterodactyl-O-Doom. This bug was bigger than my entire hand (fingers and palm included).
Terrified, I flew out of the shower, slinging water all over the place. Some later said that they could hear me squeal downstairs (the bathroom was upstairs). I stood there, dripping wet, soap in my hair, begining to shiver a little (from the cold or fear, who knows?). For a full 5 minutes or so, I debated with myself. Do I call down to Mike to come and save me? Do I really want to listen to ridiqule for the rest of the weekend for that? Can I kill it on my own?

I decided to take action. I am an adult and could totally kill this bug on my own. No help needed. So I carefully pulled the curtain back as little as possible and peered inside the shower (which is still running, I might add). The bug is no longer where it was. I now realize that I'm trapped in a bathroom with a bug in an unknown location. This is unacceptable.

I won't really own up to it if you ask me later, but I'm pretty sure I was crying at this point. I really wanted to kill it now. So I gathered what little courage I own and pulled the curtain further open. THERE! Down by a soap dish at the back of the shower. That's where the sucker had landed. So I quickly came up with an ingenious plan. Using the shower head, I aimed the spray of water at the killer bug. It struggled momentarily but the force was too strong. It's grasp slipped, and it began to go with the flow of water to the drain.

When it got to the actual drain, it caught itself and held on for dear life. I aimed the water with precision and held my ground. I watched on gleefully while it slowly drowned and let go of the drain, sliding harmlessly away. SUCCESS!

I felt on top of the world. I was a conquerer of evil. Winner of doomed situations. Master of all things. I hopped back into the shower (never going near the drain) and finished up. I carefully sopped up all the water - there was a lot of water everywhere - leaving no evidence of the epic battle that had ensued.

Boi has tried repeatedly to explain that it (from my description) was a mosquito hawk (aka crane fly) that couldn't hurt me at all. All research I've done since the episode confirms Boi's beliefs.
Contrary to all evidence, I still believe that I totally could have died and am proud of myself for conquering a mighty being.


Picture from:
http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://readjack.files.wordpress.com/2010/04/cranefly-hand.jpg&imgrefurl=http://readjack.wordpress.com/category/chicago-sports/da-bulls/&usg=__MX_aAVZ5VjL6_hQkgp8ZGzUnt4I=&h=1107&w=1125&sz=238&hl=en&start=17&sig2=A6EHSEBmk-txXRLPefrVFA&zoom=1&tbnid=zhlNcLM7wHvxKM:&tbnh=143&tbnw=145&ei=pending&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dmosquito%2Bhawk%2Bcrane%2Bfly%26um%3D1%26hl%3Den%26rls%3Dcom.microsoft:en-us%26rlz%3D1I7SKPB_en%26biw%3D1209%26bih%3D610%26tbs%3Disch:10%2C496&um=1&itbs=1&biw=1209&bih=610&iact=rc&dur=95&oei=LZ-8TNa9H8T_lgfKzdzEDA&esq=2&page=2&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:3,s:17&tx=106&ty=71

Playing Outside is Hazardous to my Health

Today I'm going to deviate a little bit from my story timeline. I have something on my mind that I'm just itching to share.
I spent some time outside this past weekend; which, if you know me, is a HUGE deal. I don't go outside unless I'm spending time on a beach. But this was a special occasion.
Because of this very special event, I played for many hours outside. Close to the woods. Close to water. Close to a mosquito breeding ground.
They ate me alive. I have drawn you a diagram to illustrate all of them and where they are on my body:

The ones that really get me are the ones on the bottom of my feet and one on my elbow. These places seem like they'd be the hardest places for the mosquitoes to bite. But whatever.
I totally had the last laugh on all those pesky little suckers. Because I was remarkably drunk.

Which has now led me to wonder what would have happened if I could have followed those bugs after they had bitten me. I leave you with the following questions to ponder today: Would they have been able to fly straight? Did they die of alcohol poisoning? Did they fly into things? Did they land to sleep it off?

Grand Adventures in WA

I had many grand adventures in Washington. Some things I've already forgotten, which makes me sad. For instance, at some point on my trip, my mom said, "That's gonna piss the shit out of me". I don't remember what had made her upset enough to come up with that extremely funny phrase. I do know that it struck my funny bone that my poor mamma can't even cuss right.
I have some really funny pictures and videos from that trip. Y'all know that I think fairly outside the box so some of the pictures need explaining.

This picture for example.
I took this picture with you, my viewer(s), in mind. I wanted you to know what I stared at for a good portion of my trip. I sat directly behind my dad in his truck for many, many hours. To go anywhere in Washington, it took at least 20 minutes. Usually more like 1-2 hours. So I got to see this view...a whole lot.




One day, after much debate, we went to the Olympic Game Farm and Petting Zoo.  I'm so incredibly glad that we did. It turned out to be the funniest, coolest thing I did there. This place has all these (surprise!) animals. The animals come right up to the car (hoping for food). I took several videos for your viewing pleasure. Unfortunately I'm having trouble uploading the videos in my blog so I made a youtube just for you guys. I'm going to put links to the videos below.
No animals were harmed in the making of these videos.

Some of the videos need a little explanation. Right off the bat, I would like for you to first make sure that you see the llama hit me in the face with a piece of bread. Then at around :34, Zach throws out one of my new favorite quotes, "My testicle is hurting." Finally, at around :57, Zach tries to throw a piece of bread to a zebra and fails miserably.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tt8C3LVT1Og

This video has some awesome quotes:

"His breath is like Spaghetti O's." ~ Me

"Look at the balls on that guy!" ~ Dad

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=faDh4sJejaA

This one I want you to pay close attention to :16 where my dad throws the bread at the poor buffalo. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7Ntc_WaXyI

This video needs no explanation.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yo9sWhvsbNg

Here I encourage Zach to feed a llama that already spit on him once... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqOPrp69dqE

Zach had picked up my mom to use as a shield from llama spit at one point. During her life as a human shield, a llama spit down her shirt. This is a video of my dad sniffing llama spit off my mom. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6__98fjH6Q

I hope you enjoy them at least a small fraction of how much I enjoyed making them.

Flying to Washington (state)

First, I would like to apologize from deviating from my daily writing. I can give you a million excuses (okay, maybe not quite that many) but I won’t because y’all don’t deserve that. I promise to do better going forward.

I have spent the last few weeks going on the most amazing adventures. What does that mean for you? It means that I have stored up many (and there were a lot recently) awesome adventures to share with you. In the past month, I’ve been from the east coast to the west coast (and vice versa), attacked by many new spiders and other bugs, a fantastic wedding of two of my best friends, and my first metal concert. I have so many things to write that I’m having trouble finding the right story to start with. Since the last thing I wrote about was Savannah GA, I think I’ll write about the plane ride to Washington (state) that followed right after my last post.

I was flying standby which meant that I got to be one of the last people to board the plane. I sat in the airport writing my last blog and casually eyeballing everyone around me wondering who would be the sucker(s) privileged passenger(s) that would get to sit with me.

Upon entering the belly of the beast, I made my way slowly to the back of the plane. I approached my seat, heart pounding in my chest. I’m going to try to do justice to the two gentlemen who fate sandwiched me in between on this 5 hour plane ride, but mere words are so inadequate.

I stowed my duffel bag under the seat in front of me and my laptop bag behind my legs (there was no room in the overhead and I was terrified of checking my bag because I just knew that it wouldn’t make it to Washington with me). I introduced myself to Gerald (isle seat) and John (window seat).  Let me take this moment to share a little about each of these men. They were the epitome of North (John from PA) vs South (Gerald from AL). My first impression of John was a nice sports fan. He had a thick book and an ipod so he looked like he would settle in to be a quiet neighbor. Tattooed Gerald, on the other hand, came with nothing. When I say nothing, I mean NOTHING. This is one of the places where words are truly inadequate. It’s almost like Gerald came prepared with extra nothing. He had no bags, no book, nothing to do on this very long flight. It’s like he had counted on sitting next to someone that would keep him entertained. As fate would have it, he was: me.

In the first 15 minutes, Gerald compared the airline we were flying on against all the other better airlines that he has flown on. He was upset that there was no in flight movie, no free food (please know that he was extremely hungry) or drinks, and that you had to pay for a pillow and/or blanket. Let me stop here and say that this is the point where I bet myself that he was going to drink alcoholic beverages on this flight and that the # of drinks ordered would be 5.

Take off was smooth, and we were on our way. I was now permanently trapped next to Gerald (see my drawing of him to the left) for 5 hours. Again, no words are suitable to explain. Five hours in a plane with Gerald was really like 12 hours in the normal world. A stewardess came barrelling (seriously she was going at least 10mph) down the isle with a cart. She slammed into Gerald's seat as hard as she possibly could and continued on without so much as a 'sorry'. I found this really funny and have no idea why. I tried to snicker silently to myself.

After briefly getting to know each other, John popped on his headphones. Taking his lead, I pulled out my book and ipod getting ready to settle in. Unfortunately, Mr. Didn'tbringanything was not about to let this happen. He continued to try to talk to me while my headphones were on. I only lasted about 5 minutes before I gave up and put my stuff away. I will say that Gerald was very entertaining. I'm not going to break down every moment of this flight but will try to hit the highlights for you.

The stewardess came by with drinks and, true to my guess, Gerald (real pic to the right courtesy of John) pointed at a Mia Tai (in the airline 'menu' magazine) to drink. I think he pointed because he didn't know how to say the name of the drink. This is about the time that John decided to pull out his ribs. Did you forget that Gerald is apparently starving to death? He practically drooled on my lap. John had joined in on the conversation, all of us talking of everything and nothing.

We were shushed by people in the seats two up from us because we were 'talking too loud', and they wanted to sleep. John immediately quieted, settling back to listen to his ipod. Gerald continued to talk on. He caught the stewardess as she passed by and requested 'another drink'. He still didn't say the name of the drink. God bless this stewardess as she remembered and brought him another Mai Tai lickety split.

Fast forward another 45 minutes or so. Gerald caught a steward this time and requested another drink. Of course the poor guy didn't know what he was drinking and asked "What drink would you like?" So Gerald turned to me. Why? Who knows. But, of course, his drinking had been a fixation of mine so I knew what he was drinking and supplied "He'd like a Mai Tai." It was at this point, Gerald and I became a married couple. At least, we're (John, Gerald, and I) pretty sure that's what the steward assumed. John had rejoined the conversation and the boys decided that I am a 'perfect wife' (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...shows what they know!)...that is, until they discovered my lack of cooking quality. Then I became the 'perfect wife in progress'. Somehow Gerald and I decided that we had an 'open marriage' so John was my boyfriend...things were wildly out of control. Especially when Drunk Gerald decided he wanted to go through my phone.

SIDE STORY:  I have a friend (who will remain nameless for this story for her protection) and her husband that send 'naughty' pictures to each other via their phones. I don't remember why I thought that was cute, but I started randomly sending Mike pictures after I discovered that. This nameless friend, her husband, and I were all shopping at Big Lots one night. Helping her husband look for a price on something, I had laid down on the floor of Big Lots. My phone fell out (her husband noticed, but said nothing)...I left it there. A little while later (while we were shopping somewhere else), I got a call from Boi who had gotten a call from my mom who had gotten a call from Big Lots that they had my phone. I'm convinced that the people of Big Lots now know what I look like undressed and made my friend go in to get my phone because I was too embarrassed. You would think I would have learned my lesson from this story, but I didn't.

RETURNING TO GERALD WANTING TO LOOK THROUGH MY PHONE: Bad idea. I remembered and grabbed my phone back in time, but the damage was done. Now, Gerald KNEW that there was something 'naughty' on my phone, and he was determined to find out what. I spent the rest of the flight sitting on my phone.

I explained (trying desperately to distract him from my phone) to Drunk Gerald that I had made the bet with myself about his # of drinks. I explained that (at $7 a Mai Tai), he had already made it to 3 drinks and might as well aim for the goal I had set of 5. I told him that he'd already spent $21 and might as well make it $35. Apparently, I am an expert sales person because he went on to finish both drink #4 and #5 before we got off the plane. I fully believe that the steward (who sold both drink 4 and 5) only did so because he thought that Gerald and I were married. I'm sure that after drink #3, Gerald would have been cut off had he been alone.

After drink #5, Gerald decided he wanted to pass out on my shoulder. I was okay with that and told him as much....until he decided to creepily start rubbing his beard on my bare shoulder skin. I told him that our marriage needed a separation period. He spent the remainder of the flight passed out, sleeping on the upright armrest between us.

When he woke up (about 15 minutes before landing), I divorced him. He was so incredibly drunk. He was on a business trip which required that he rent a car upon landing. I will always wonder if Budget rented him a car. He wanted me to go to the rental car place with him in hopes that my presence would be like on the plane (assuming marriage and that I would be driving). I told him no. He found out that my parents were picking me up and planned this elaborate plan where my mom was going to drive him to the hotel in his rental car...I won't go into all the details.

The picture below is also courtesy of John. Please note that the only thing Gerald has in his hand is his travel arrangements. That's all he brought on a 5 hour plane ride. He's also extremely drunk in this picture and had trouble walking.

When we landed, I called my dad to let him know I was there. When I hung up, Gerald wanted to know why I didn't start his plan in motion. I explained that I had no intention of having him meet my parents and that I planned to ditch him somewhere before baggage claim. The look on his face was priceless. I, in retrospect, still don't feel bad. I sat through hours of being hit on by a drunk married man. He deserved whatever happened. I had made it perfectly clear (many, many times) that I had no intentions of 'hooking up' with him. I will always wonder, though, if he got the rental car. And if he made it to his golf game at 8am the next morning. Gerald will always hold a special place in my memories. As will John. He spent the plane ride ready to defend my honor and, if needed, beat Gerald away from me. We actually bonded enough that we are now friends (hopefully) for life.

After the plane landed (and I did indeed ditch Gerald before baggage: I stepped onto a tram as the doors were closing), I had dinner with my family at a Red Lobster and a 2 and 1/2 hour car ride to Port Angeles WA. I have a fear that I forgot to address in my phobia post. It's gephyrophobia: the fear of bridges. Guess what I got to go over to get to Port Angeles? That's right. The Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The bridge that collapsed in 1940.

And that is how I went from Savannah, GA (9am ET on 9/19/10) to Port Angeles, WA (2am PT on 9/20/10).