Flying to Washington (state)

First, I would like to apologize from deviating from my daily writing. I can give you a million excuses (okay, maybe not quite that many) but I won’t because y’all don’t deserve that. I promise to do better going forward.

I have spent the last few weeks going on the most amazing adventures. What does that mean for you? It means that I have stored up many (and there were a lot recently) awesome adventures to share with you. In the past month, I’ve been from the east coast to the west coast (and vice versa), attacked by many new spiders and other bugs, a fantastic wedding of two of my best friends, and my first metal concert. I have so many things to write that I’m having trouble finding the right story to start with. Since the last thing I wrote about was Savannah GA, I think I’ll write about the plane ride to Washington (state) that followed right after my last post.

I was flying standby which meant that I got to be one of the last people to board the plane. I sat in the airport writing my last blog and casually eyeballing everyone around me wondering who would be the sucker(s) privileged passenger(s) that would get to sit with me.

Upon entering the belly of the beast, I made my way slowly to the back of the plane. I approached my seat, heart pounding in my chest. I’m going to try to do justice to the two gentlemen who fate sandwiched me in between on this 5 hour plane ride, but mere words are so inadequate.

I stowed my duffel bag under the seat in front of me and my laptop bag behind my legs (there was no room in the overhead and I was terrified of checking my bag because I just knew that it wouldn’t make it to Washington with me). I introduced myself to Gerald (isle seat) and John (window seat).  Let me take this moment to share a little about each of these men. They were the epitome of North (John from PA) vs South (Gerald from AL). My first impression of John was a nice sports fan. He had a thick book and an ipod so he looked like he would settle in to be a quiet neighbor. Tattooed Gerald, on the other hand, came with nothing. When I say nothing, I mean NOTHING. This is one of the places where words are truly inadequate. It’s almost like Gerald came prepared with extra nothing. He had no bags, no book, nothing to do on this very long flight. It’s like he had counted on sitting next to someone that would keep him entertained. As fate would have it, he was: me.

In the first 15 minutes, Gerald compared the airline we were flying on against all the other better airlines that he has flown on. He was upset that there was no in flight movie, no free food (please know that he was extremely hungry) or drinks, and that you had to pay for a pillow and/or blanket. Let me stop here and say that this is the point where I bet myself that he was going to drink alcoholic beverages on this flight and that the # of drinks ordered would be 5.

Take off was smooth, and we were on our way. I was now permanently trapped next to Gerald (see my drawing of him to the left) for 5 hours. Again, no words are suitable to explain. Five hours in a plane with Gerald was really like 12 hours in the normal world. A stewardess came barrelling (seriously she was going at least 10mph) down the isle with a cart. She slammed into Gerald's seat as hard as she possibly could and continued on without so much as a 'sorry'. I found this really funny and have no idea why. I tried to snicker silently to myself.

After briefly getting to know each other, John popped on his headphones. Taking his lead, I pulled out my book and ipod getting ready to settle in. Unfortunately, Mr. Didn'tbringanything was not about to let this happen. He continued to try to talk to me while my headphones were on. I only lasted about 5 minutes before I gave up and put my stuff away. I will say that Gerald was very entertaining. I'm not going to break down every moment of this flight but will try to hit the highlights for you.

The stewardess came by with drinks and, true to my guess, Gerald (real pic to the right courtesy of John) pointed at a Mia Tai (in the airline 'menu' magazine) to drink. I think he pointed because he didn't know how to say the name of the drink. This is about the time that John decided to pull out his ribs. Did you forget that Gerald is apparently starving to death? He practically drooled on my lap. John had joined in on the conversation, all of us talking of everything and nothing.

We were shushed by people in the seats two up from us because we were 'talking too loud', and they wanted to sleep. John immediately quieted, settling back to listen to his ipod. Gerald continued to talk on. He caught the stewardess as she passed by and requested 'another drink'. He still didn't say the name of the drink. God bless this stewardess as she remembered and brought him another Mai Tai lickety split.

Fast forward another 45 minutes or so. Gerald caught a steward this time and requested another drink. Of course the poor guy didn't know what he was drinking and asked "What drink would you like?" So Gerald turned to me. Why? Who knows. But, of course, his drinking had been a fixation of mine so I knew what he was drinking and supplied "He'd like a Mai Tai." It was at this point, Gerald and I became a married couple. At least, we're (John, Gerald, and I) pretty sure that's what the steward assumed. John had rejoined the conversation and the boys decided that I am a 'perfect wife' (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...shows what they know!)...that is, until they discovered my lack of cooking quality. Then I became the 'perfect wife in progress'. Somehow Gerald and I decided that we had an 'open marriage' so John was my boyfriend...things were wildly out of control. Especially when Drunk Gerald decided he wanted to go through my phone.

SIDE STORY:  I have a friend (who will remain nameless for this story for her protection) and her husband that send 'naughty' pictures to each other via their phones. I don't remember why I thought that was cute, but I started randomly sending Mike pictures after I discovered that. This nameless friend, her husband, and I were all shopping at Big Lots one night. Helping her husband look for a price on something, I had laid down on the floor of Big Lots. My phone fell out (her husband noticed, but said nothing)...I left it there. A little while later (while we were shopping somewhere else), I got a call from Boi who had gotten a call from my mom who had gotten a call from Big Lots that they had my phone. I'm convinced that the people of Big Lots now know what I look like undressed and made my friend go in to get my phone because I was too embarrassed. You would think I would have learned my lesson from this story, but I didn't.

RETURNING TO GERALD WANTING TO LOOK THROUGH MY PHONE: Bad idea. I remembered and grabbed my phone back in time, but the damage was done. Now, Gerald KNEW that there was something 'naughty' on my phone, and he was determined to find out what. I spent the rest of the flight sitting on my phone.

I explained (trying desperately to distract him from my phone) to Drunk Gerald that I had made the bet with myself about his # of drinks. I explained that (at $7 a Mai Tai), he had already made it to 3 drinks and might as well aim for the goal I had set of 5. I told him that he'd already spent $21 and might as well make it $35. Apparently, I am an expert sales person because he went on to finish both drink #4 and #5 before we got off the plane. I fully believe that the steward (who sold both drink 4 and 5) only did so because he thought that Gerald and I were married. I'm sure that after drink #3, Gerald would have been cut off had he been alone.

After drink #5, Gerald decided he wanted to pass out on my shoulder. I was okay with that and told him as much....until he decided to creepily start rubbing his beard on my bare shoulder skin. I told him that our marriage needed a separation period. He spent the remainder of the flight passed out, sleeping on the upright armrest between us.

When he woke up (about 15 minutes before landing), I divorced him. He was so incredibly drunk. He was on a business trip which required that he rent a car upon landing. I will always wonder if Budget rented him a car. He wanted me to go to the rental car place with him in hopes that my presence would be like on the plane (assuming marriage and that I would be driving). I told him no. He found out that my parents were picking me up and planned this elaborate plan where my mom was going to drive him to the hotel in his rental car...I won't go into all the details.

The picture below is also courtesy of John. Please note that the only thing Gerald has in his hand is his travel arrangements. That's all he brought on a 5 hour plane ride. He's also extremely drunk in this picture and had trouble walking.

When we landed, I called my dad to let him know I was there. When I hung up, Gerald wanted to know why I didn't start his plan in motion. I explained that I had no intention of having him meet my parents and that I planned to ditch him somewhere before baggage claim. The look on his face was priceless. I, in retrospect, still don't feel bad. I sat through hours of being hit on by a drunk married man. He deserved whatever happened. I had made it perfectly clear (many, many times) that I had no intentions of 'hooking up' with him. I will always wonder, though, if he got the rental car. And if he made it to his golf game at 8am the next morning. Gerald will always hold a special place in my memories. As will John. He spent the plane ride ready to defend my honor and, if needed, beat Gerald away from me. We actually bonded enough that we are now friends (hopefully) for life.

After the plane landed (and I did indeed ditch Gerald before baggage: I stepped onto a tram as the doors were closing), I had dinner with my family at a Red Lobster and a 2 and 1/2 hour car ride to Port Angeles WA. I have a fear that I forgot to address in my phobia post. It's gephyrophobia: the fear of bridges. Guess what I got to go over to get to Port Angeles? That's right. The Tacoma Narrows Bridge. The bridge that collapsed in 1940.

And that is how I went from Savannah, GA (9am ET on 9/19/10) to Port Angeles, WA (2am PT on 9/20/10).