Depression

As my title indicates, today I'm going to write about depression. If the topic will dishearten you, please feel free to skip this post.

You've been warned. It took me a lot of courage to write this to admit to the world, but I felt like I need to put this out there.

The Depression Monster: Here to Ruin My Day

I once had a conversation with someone who is very important to me about depression. She told me that depression isn't something that needs medication. She pretty much indicated that if someone is depressed, they should get over it.

It's not that easy. I suffer from major depression. And yes, I mean suffer. It hurts just as much as physical pain. For me personally, I'd rather have physical pain. I can understand people who hurt themselves to forget. I don't hurt myself, but I can understand.

My depression doesn't need a reason to surface. My life can be perfectly fine with no stress or worries and suddenly BAM! There It rears its ugly head.

How do you just 'get over' that? When there's nothing to 'get over', what can you do?

For me, I write. Or draw. Just like I normally do for y'all, but sad instead of happy. I usually either delete those writings or post them on Facebook. Today it isn't enough.

I'm not telling y'all about my depression to be an attention whore or for your sympathy. In fact, one of the reasons I feel that I can post this here, is that most of you I don't know. I know that there is at least one fellow blogger that reads my blog that suffers from depression. She's never come out and admitted it, but I can sometimes see it seeping through into her writing.

Dear friends, the reason that I'm sharing this with you is so that you are aware. Know that you can never really know what's going on with people around you. Be mindful of others.

Most of my friends don't know about my mental health. I've been on medications (which definitely do help!) and in therapy. For the most part though, this is very personal for me.

I don't talk about it much. For anyone who wanted to pay close enough attention though, there are markers.

When I get really depressed, I suffer bad insomnia. I stay awake (sometimes for days on end). But then once my body finally lets me sleep, I can sleep up to 24+ hours. My sleep is like a crazy roller coaster when I'm depressed.

Sometimes I get headaches that I would swear come from my neck and radiate pain upwards. Other times, my bowels get really upset.

My extremities get cold when usually I'm like a furnace; I actually run 99 degrees on a normal basis. But my fingers and toes will go so cold that they go numb.

When I finalized my plans for how I wanted to commit suicide, I knew I needed help. The psychiatrist and therapist both helped tremendously.

When I knew I was going to lose my health insurance, I worked with my psychiatrist to titrate myself off my medications. My therapist helped prepare me for times like now.

Boi is my rock. He knows all of me and loves me just the way I am. He knows the right things to do to help. He listens. He can sit with me and just be quiet. He holds me. God gave me the perfect partner.

Most people who find out I am depressed are incredibly surprised. They're all like, "You? But you're so happy all the time!" But happiness is my shield. If no one can ever tell that there's something wrong, I won't have to admit it.

Depression can affect anyone. Qualities in people such as rudeness, loudness, being angry, quiet, happy, etc can hiding things you'll never know.

You never know when your words will make or break someone.

Thank you for listening dear reader. Sometimes I just need a good ear. I already feel lighter than I did when I sat down.

And a special thank you to My Boi who always loves and supports me in all I do.