Sid's Stupidity

I'm reminded daily that there is, in fact, something wrong with my cat Sid. He runs into things (even walls) going full blast. I could attribute that to the fact that his eyesight is (to put it nicely) on par with a legally blind cross-eyed person. I tried to find a good picture to illustrate this point but this is all I could find (it's hard to get a cross-eyed cat to try to focus on a camera):

He constantly does strange things such as randomly lick my furniture and runs from one end of the house to the other making strange gargling noises. Most of the time he sleeps like this:

He can turn door handles (no joke) almost to the point of opening them which maybe could be a smart thing...except who knows why he wants to open them? Lots of times I wake up to this (full frontal cat nudity advisory):

This post was inspired by Sid's TSRA (Today's Stupid Random Act). I was sitting at my computer happily (I call myself bs on this on) paying bills when I see Kuszco trying to get behind the refrigerator. I got up and moved him away from the hole there. This hole is usually covered by the coffee maker but for whatever reason the coffee pot was far from the hole-of-doom.

I went and sat back down and heard a very distinctive faint 'Mrow'. Nice. I now realize that Kuszo was just investiging what mess Sid had gotten himself into. After I stopped laughing, I grabbed my camera to video this cause I felt this needed to be shared. I tried to upload the video on here but it keeps failing. I'm illin about that (just spent the last 3 & 1/2 hours trying to get it to load) so I'm just going to put it up on facebook.

Then I drew you a picture of how he looked as he jumped out:

Now he's scott free and hiding somewhere in shame. Seriously, I haven't seen him since.
I promise that not all of my posts will be about my animals but sometimes they do really stupid things that need to be shared.

I wanted to say love to all of you who are reading this (especially whoever is in Canada!). I appreciate y'all reading my ramblings more than you know.  Also, comments are greatly appreciated. That way I know if you guys think what I'm writing is coolio and more awesome than the discovery that the earth was not flat or if it blows and I should mock myself while locked up in a loony bin. If you choose to comment anonymously, please put your name at the end so I don't spend hours guessing who you are - thanks :D

Track list:

Nichole Nordeman - What If

Nichole Nordeman - Gratitude

Nickel Creek - The Lighthouse Tale

                    - Reasons Why

                    - When You Come Back Down
                    - Should've Known Better

Spiders +me = not a happy me

One time when I was about 11 years old, my mom found a large spider on our front stoop. She went and got her hair spray (cause you have to paralize the sucker before you step on him with that final blow). I stood back to watch; waaaay back cause that sucker was HUGE (remember that spider phobia a few posts back?).
My brave mother calmly (by calm I mean shreaking and jumping around) used the entire can of hairspray to subdue the viscious evil spawn of Lucifer. When the cloud of spray settles, I could see the shrivled spider's still monumental size. I was panic driven and helped my mother stay calm but jumping up and down screaming, "GETITGETITKILLITQUICKOMGWE'REALLGONNADIE!!!!!!!!!!"
Mom couragiously lifted her right foot (in a nice large boot, I might add) and brought it down with all her might.   *SQUUUIIISH*
Now mom is screaming for more hairspray. Huh? What's going on? Things went perfectly as planned. We've done this many times. WHAT WENT WRONG?!?!?!?
I ran for the spray and sprinted it to my mom. What I found was chaos and anarchy. The spider was bohemoth because it had been pregnant. Babies were everywhere. Many were running into our house. Unacceptable. Time to put my war face on. I ran and got my own hairspray and headed to the was zone.
Mom and I sprayed and tracked down every single spawn and squished them to oblivion.
It only took maybe an hour. That was on my top 10 scarieset moments ever. Because if any of those spiders had lived, we would have had to move and that would have made me very sad.

After typing that up, it remembered another story about spiders that you guys might find amusing.

When I turned 18 and started college, I started coming home late. And then later, and later...you get the point. It was really frustrating my dad so I made a deal with him. I could live in the playhouse and pay him $50 a month. It had cable, internet, heat and air, and a locking door; what more could you ask for? (A shower/bathroom but that's a later story). Long story short, he agreed. The problem with the playhouse is that it had spiders. They weren't there because it was unplayed in. You could kill every spider in there and two hourse later there would be at least 3 more.
So I kept a can of spider kill just outside the door. Each night I would carefully open the door (sometimes the little creeps would choose that exact moment to slide down a single strand of web to hang just at my eye level waiting to kill me with his venom-o-doom) and spray. Up, down, left...I sneak in a peek and would give the room a quick once over. Having noted all the spider locations, I would jump into the room and spray them all to death. 
I remember one particular time when the door spider almost got me (but I won; haha!) and I had sprayed all the enemy successfully when BAM! there was one that jumped from the ceiling (where he'd been hiding like a ninja) into my hair. There was lots of screaming and then I ran to my parents house to take a shower. Needless to say, I only lived in the playhouse for about 4 months.

I suppose my moral of all this is that the next spider you find, you should hairspray that sucker stiff and then set it on fire.

Beth's cooking tips

I'm having EBS (empty brain syndrome) today. So I'm going to post some cooking tips that I've been compiling for you. I am not a professional cook. I probably shouldn't be allowed to touch anything in a kitchen but The Boi and I have to eat so...
ps-I was gonna draw you pretty pictures to illustrate my cooking but I have no patience today. Sorry.

What to do when you are cooking chili and forget about it so the bottom layer burns to a char:

Quickly move the pot off the heat. Grab another pot. Gently pour the chili into the new pot while being careful not to let any of the charred bottom layer get into the new pot. Set new pot on the burner and don’t forget about it this time. To avoid having anyone know your shame, scrape the char out of the pot and feed it to the dog. Clean the pot and put it away. Open windows to clear the smell. Voila. Evidence destroyed and dinner saved!


What to do when you forget and leave a frozen pizza in the oven until it’s burned into a black Frisbee:

Get the ‘pizza’ out of the oven and place on a plate to cool. Put a new frozen pizza in the oven and start over. When original ‘pizza’ is cool, take into the back yard and throw as a Frisbee for the dog. This will make the dog doubly happy as he will now have a new toy AND treat.


Quick and Easy Dessert for poor person:

If you are out of almost all your groceries and want a tasty desert, Kool-aid premade drink mix (another words, the kind that’s already got sugar in it) or tang powder are very tasty treats. Just lick and dip your finger in the powder and insert your powdered finger in your mouth. Voila, instant easy desert.
*note* I read that last one to Boi and he said “Is that why there’s clumps in the Tang? Is that your residual spit droppings?” I replied, “It’s entirely possible,” and hung my head in shame.


Tip: Any pot that has been on a burner that is ‘on’ for any reasonable amount of time is hot. Hot enough to burn you. Don’t touch out of curiosity. This will end in tears…and cool looking burns that are shiny.

Tip#2: Sizzling sounds on a burner usually indicate that something is boiling over. Please check on this sound immediately upon hearing it.

Those are my tips so far. I will continue to collect important kitchen tips as I discover them :D

Guidelines to surviving the Apocalypse

The first and most important thing to do is establish rules for the team that you end up with. Below are 10 great general rules. *Note* To make the pictures larger, you can click on them individually.

Rule #1 Go ahead and kill all people in the group that you don't know like the back of your hand. They will only turn out to be a liability later on if you don't. Take that back; kill everyone except for doctors or other medical professionals. They always turn out to be at least somewhat useful. I know you love your family, but if they look even remotely affected by _________ (insert apocalypse cause - such as zombies, disease, or bio-chemicals), go ahead and put them out of their possible future misery.

Rule #2 Never separate the team. It may seem like a good idea at some points (especially while gathering supplies) but I promise that this never ends well and always ends up with useless deaths on your hands.

Rule #3 If it is unavoidable and you have to separate, always follow the leader's rule. If he/she says to stay in one place, do it. Deny your inner urging to check dark areas or around corners. Please be calm and collected as exploring the area is never a good idea. Stay still until the team is back together.

Rule #4 Never ever get naked. I know that stressful situations always make people want to have sex or take a shower. Resist the urge. Bad idea. The end result will be dead naked people.

Rule #5 Find a place such as a supermarket, Sam’s club, or mall. These places will have all of the things that you need to survive. The ideal location would be a Walmart.

Rule #6 Quickly grab as many supplies as possible and start moving them to the roof. Best supplies to stock up on are WEAPONS especially things that create a lot of fire. Also canned food items and LOTS of water. Tents and other camping gear is also a plus.

Rule #7 As soon as possible, secure the roof so that no one else can follow. Cementing the door shut seems like a fantastic idea to me.

Rule #8 Sit back and relax. Don't get all heroic...or bored and start wasting ammo. This also is a bad idea. You will definitely need that ammo later on. Why? I don't know but something will happen like people wanting your awesome rooftop apocalypse hideout for themselves. They may make human ladders to try to get to your roof. As long as you haven't wasted your weapons, you will be able to mow them down with flame throwers or even homemade grenades. :D

Rule #9 Resist the (you think) good idea to leave your hideout even if you haven't seen live people for a month. The best thing to do after a month is not to leave your awesome complex of sanity. If you must leave your rooftop, the only place you should be going is into the store to restock supplies. This is one of those times where not have wasting your ammo may come in handy. Who knows what is hiding in the store below. Quickly restock and reseal the door.

Rule #10 Quiz any possible rescuers at length before trusting them. I can't give you specifics as I don't know exactly what the apocalypse will consist of. Please try to use your best judgment. I know this will be hard. The best thing I can suggest is to play 20 questions. Everything can be solved with 20 questions. Also, odds are that if your rescuer lands a helicopter on your roof, they are okay to trust.

 There you have it. If you don't survive using these rules, I can not be held legally responsible. Not like you'd be able to get on my rooftop anyway...*evil laugh*

Animulz

I don't have a lot of time today (unfortunately) but I promise to make it up to you guys tomorrow ;)

So I thought that today I would introduce y'all to my animulz. I have 3. One dog named Ed and two cats, Sid and Kuzco. The Boi and I name our animulz after cartoon characters. Ed is from the hyena in The Lion King, Sid is from Sid the Sloth in Ice Age, and Kuzco is from the emperor in The Emperor's New Groove (one of our favorite movies of all time). I have made a descriptive picture for each of the animulz:

This is Ed. One of our neighbor's found him under her porch and went door to door searching for the owner. I offered to keep him for the weekend while she put up fliers. No one claimed him. Here we are almost two years later.

This is Sid. I saved him from a flee market. He and his cousin (Morgan) were in a cage with a dog. The dog was trying to eat Morgan. I told the flea market man that he should put the dog and cats in different cages because the dog was trying to eat the cats. He wouldn't listen. So I asked him, "How much for the cat (Morgan)?" He said $25 each. I asked would he take $30 for both. He said yes. I sold Morgan to my dad for $50. So I got Sid for free + $20 profit.

This is Kuzco. He is our latest acquirement. I think the picture is self-explanatory. He came from the pound.

I hope you like my picture because I worked really hard on them. Especially Kuzco. It was very hard to make him accurate looking.

Tomorrow's post "10 rules to surviving the Apocalypse". Finally. I swear.